In my conversation with J, we talked about how hard it can be to recognise your own situation until it is acknowledged by someone else. Finding validation and information in other people’s stories was, and still is, a big part of J’s healing process - the process of learning what abuse actually means.
In Jameela Jamil’s podcast iWeigh,Sex Educator and Trauma Expert Jimanekia Eborn discuss how experiencing trauma feels like getting thrown into a club that you never asked to be part of - but still feeling like you’re not actually cool enough to be part of that club, a feeling that has been prominent throughout J’s journey.
One of the main dangers for victims is the invalidation of the true experience.
“It wasn’t bad enough. It wasn’t as bad as it is for other people. Compared to your story I shouldn’t really complain. There’s no point in me talking about this, I’m not gonna get help anyway because I can’t prove my words ever happened. I constantly doubt myself and gaslight myself into thinking that it wasn’t that bad. No one is going to believe me anyway.”
This is J’s story.
14/2/22
I wanted to leave him so badly, because I knew it wasn’t right. It got to the point where I thought ‘maybe this is just my life; maybe I just have to put up with it and maybe this is just gonna be it’. We first met in the hospital, where he was staying for recently having attempted suicide. I instantly felt like I wanted to ‘save him’, making me feel like I couldn’t leave him without him possibly ending up hurting himself. I just couldn’t let him do that to himself. With both of us being in very poor states mentally and physically, we only had each other, making the situation even harder since I had no barometer of what was ‘normal’. Soon enough, even his bad behaviour became ‘normal’ and I’d end up gaslighting myself into believing that things were fine. He would constantly tell me that I was overreacting, and when someone tells you something enough times, you eventually start to believe it. Alongside his behaviour, my parents also started gaslighting me, justifying his dangerous and controlling actions despite never actually seeing how he treated me in person - they simply didn’t believe me.
I took it upon myself to try and fix him, leaving me to completely forget about myself. When I eventually did try to break up with him, I repeatedly softened and got back together with him due to his disability and poor physical state, making the cycle start all over again. His half-hearted apologies were constantly covered up by love bombing, making me tolerate him and his behaviour once again even though I knew it was a bad situation. As for so many others, our relationship was intensely passionate - when it was bad, it was horrific; when it was good, it was like a movie. I don’t know if him not being able to leave because of his physical pain and disability became a tactic that I was just falling for, but he just would not leave - he physically couldn’t. But was it that he wouldn’t? And it was a game?
My parents tried to isolate me by questioning my friendships and other relationships, saying that they were the only ones that truly cared about me and that I ‘destroyed everyone around me’ and that I should ‘take a very long, close look at myself and the damage I do to those around me’. They made me believe that their opinion was the only valid one. It got to my head, and it’s only been recently in the last couple of week’s that I’ve stopped questioning myself. Cause that’s what you do - you start to question every single part of your being and you can’t trust anything; people, situations or actions. You second guess everything because they make you feel so small and before you know it, you’re too tired to fight back. You just accept it and slowly it chips away at you, each invalidation until there’s nothing left of you - which is why and how you stay.
What if he was right? What if I am the bad guy?
It was when I self harmed for the first time in 3 years because of him that I realised it was wrong - only doing so because I felt so weak, pathetic and small for not being able to leave him. And even when I did leave, I ended up going back to him. Every single time. Because even if you’ve managed to come out of the battle - you still got your legs cut off. You are still wounded and you need to heal. And I didn’t know where to turn for help. After each argument and invalidation I felt so small and so worthless that I stopped fighting because I quite literally didn’t have any legs to stand on anymore.
I was constantly told by him and my parents that my reactions and feelings were irrational, which made me question my experiences a lot. He made me question my reality to the point where I didn’t know what was actually real. After a while, I started writing down all the things he would say to me just so I could prove to myself what was actually happening whenever I would inevitably soften. I wanted ammo to psych myself up to leave him and to finally have a ‘valid’ reason to do so.
I was so ready and willing to change every part of myself just to be acceptable to him, even if it would’ve made me completely miserable. I just wanted to be enough and not lose what I had, thinking that it was the only thing I was worthy of having at the time.
Having my parents around me constantly trying to flip the situation on its head - telling me that I was the abusive one for trying to kick him out all the time, that I was the liar and a manipulator - made it so much harder to leave. I’d ring them, begging them to come over and take him away from me because I was scared and all they did was keep invalidating me. He charmed them like he charmed me to the point where he ended up having a closer and stronger relationship with my parents than I did - despite me continually telling them he was abusive.
After many back and forths, I finally managed to make him leave. With my parents taking his side, I truly felt like I had no one to protect me and help me throughout the situation - it was my only option to keep myself safe because they weren’t. At this point, my friends had built me up to a point where I knew that I deserved better. He had turned both my family and myself against me and I knew that I had to step away from it all. I knew that I was better than that and that I didn’t want to put myself in these situations ever again. My parents chose him over me and I will never fight to be in anyone’s life, or endure a fight in any kind of relationship again. A relationship shouldn’t feel like you are pushing a boulder up a mountain - it shouldn’t be a struggle or something that saps your enjoyment or invalidates you in any way. I know that I’m worth more and that I never have to change myself for people who will never find me acceptable ever again.
I think a lot of people are hesitant to believe stories of abuse because they are worried that people might be faking it. That is a really big narrative, that survivors are spreading lies to ruin these people’s careers and jobs. There are genuinely so many more people affected by abuse that aren’t speaking up - people are so quick to question victims and not the abusers. How messed up is that? And what does that say about us as a society? That we naturally believe abusers because they can’t possibly be doing this in an everyday setting? How messed up a mentality do we have as a society that that is the truth of what happens - we lift up the already strong and beat down the weak. I was and am so scared of people questioning my story, therefore I will never question someone else's. I will never question someone's reality ever again.
It was reading posts about narcissistic abusers and my friends helping me realise what he was doing that opened my eyes and removed my blinkers. It took me 5 months to leave. But I did.
It is so important that conversations like these happen, so people start questioning their own reality and asking if their discomfort in their relationships is something deeper and more insidious. Look behind the charming facade and focus on the way they make you feel when they are in a bad mood or having a bad day - if you bear the brunt of it. Ask other people what is ‘normal’. You might find you’ve been living under someone’s spell, not their love.
Find the iWeigh Podcast episode mentioned here: shorturl.at/csIJ5
If you want to share your story, email us at thealingprocess.contact@gmail.com
If you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, you can call Refuge’s 24 Hour Helpline: nationaldahelpline.org.uk / 0808 2000 247 or 999 in an emergency.
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