TW: Abuse and s*xual abuse
Not all abuse is physical. Not all abuse is visible.
When talking about domestic violence and abuse, the first thing that usually comes to mind is physical violence. What we tend to forget, or simply not know of, is that not all abuse is physical. Not all abuse is visible. Whilst arguably all violence within a relationship may constitute domestic abuse, not all domestically abusive relationships contain violence. We are heavily conditioned into believing that domestic violence and abuse only exists when it leaves physical scars and damage, making it clear to the eye that the words spoken by a victim are true and justified.
As described by organisation Reach (2022), domestic violence is a pattern of behaviours used to gain or maintain power and control, meaning that acts of domestic violence and abuse usually goes beyond one single incident. These behaviours can appear in many shapes and forms, many of which aren’t mentioned as often as physical abuse.
One of the many dangers of domestic violence is that abusive behaviour can so easily go undetected due to its subtleness, along with misknowledge. As a survivor, it can be extremely hard to fathom, understand or even remember the amount of trauma that you have been through - not alone understanding how to heal from it. As we are learning about different types of abuse and what they might include, it might become easier to accept and move with the feelings we are experiencing, recognising things that we were not able, or allowed, to acknowledge.
There are approximately 8 different types of abuse that fall under the umbrella of domestic violence, 8 different types that all are equally damaging to the victim.
Physical
Physical abuse can include punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, strangling, or physically restraining a partner against their will. It can also include driving recklessly or invading someone’s physical space, and in any other way making someone feel physically unsafe.
Verbal and emotional
The scope for verbal and emotional abuse is huge, making it the most common type of abuse as well as the hardest one to spot and distinguish. Verbal and emotional abuse can include attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you. It can also include name-calling, patronising, public embarrassment, dismissiveness, insulting appearances and behaviour, gaslighting and stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to respond) along with threats of physical violence.
Sexual
While sexual abuse can be a form of physical abuse, it can also be put in a category by itself since it can include both physical and non-physical components. Sexual abuse can involve rape or other forced sexual acts, as well as withholding or using sex as a weapon. An abusive partner might also use sex as a means to judge their partner and assign a value - criticising or saying that someone isn’t good enough at sex, or that sex is the only thing they’re good for.
Mental and psychological
Mental or psychological abuse happens when the perpetrator, through a series of actions or words, wears away at the other’s sense of mental wellbeing and health. It often involves making the victim doubt their own sanity, which can for example be done by moving car keys or other items, dimming the lights, and denying that certain things had taken place. The result of this, especially over a sustained period of time, is that the victim depends on the abuser more and more because they don’t trust their own judgement, creating emotional confusion.
Financial and economic
Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls the victim’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without permission, putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name, and gambling with family assets as well as budgeting in the household and not letting the victim have access to their own bank accounts or spending money, opening credit cards and running up debts in the victim’s name, or simply not letting the victim have a job and earn their own money.
Cultural and identity
Cultural abuse includes using aspects of a victim’s particular cultural identity to inflict suffering, or as a means of control. Not letting someone observe the dietary or dress customs of their faith, using racial slurs or isolating someone who doesn’t speak the dominant language where they live along with displaying one's identity without permission also counts as cultural and identity-based abuse.
By learning more about different types of abuse, we can easier identify and acknowledge when we, or people around us, are being held in an unsafe environment. The main goal of our work is to create an understanding of the fact that all abuse is equally damaging and that all abuse is equally wrong. By learning about the subtle gestures and behaviours, we will be able to prevent victims from getting stuck in a cycle that might be deadly to them. Throughout our work, we will continue to go more in-depth into all types of abuse, hoping to spread greater knowledge and to start a discussion around the spectrum of abuse.
Bear in mind that you don’t need to be at risk of physical violence to be in an abusive relationship. Sometimes, emotional scars take longer to heal.
If you or someone around you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, you can call Refuge’s 24 Hour Helpline: nationaldahelpline.org.uk / 0808 2000 247 or 999 in an emergency.
If you want to share your story or get in touch, email us at thealingprocess.contact@gmail.com
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