Re-connecting, re-learning and understanding - It wasn’t until P got faced with her past that she could understand her present. After being pushed to burn-out, chronic anxiety and stress, P found the strength to leave her abuser by going back to the people and environments that used to bring her joy. When founding our relationships on self-sacrifice, we become willing to trespass our own boundaries and neglect our own needs just to care for others - remember that you are always allowed to put yourself first and should never be forced to feel like you are not giving enough. Honour your own boundaries first - they are the most important ones.
“I still can’t believe how quickly it all happened. Before I knew it, I was neglecting my own needs, joys and ambitions just for the sake of pleasing someone else. For the sake of surviving. Verbal abuse is a dangerous, dangerous thing and it is so important that we keep learning about it”.
This is P’s story.
08/7/22
As our relationship settled, the abuse evolved slowly but steadily. During our first months together, I was convinced I had met the love of my life. After having spent the past 10 years as a single woman, he came in and completely swept me off my feet. He was caring, loving, attentive and adventurous and after spending so many years on my own, I was convinced that I would never find someone who would truly love me for me. I was on cloud nine and was too infatuated to see how his traits gradually turned into jealousy, control, manipulation and greed. Before I knew it, he controlled every single aspect of my life.
Deep down, I could sense that something was off. I knew that it was wrong of him to call me names, forcing me to tell him about my exact locations, talking badly about my family and friends and lashing out at me for putting his car keys on the table instead of in the bowl next to it. I knew that it was wrong of him to constantly compare me to other women, comment on my appearance and my weight and criticise my choice of work. But the excitement of finally being in a relationship, to finally have someone that shared my interests and humour, made me oblivious. I blamed the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since my teenage years, thinking that “this is how relationships work when you’re an adult”. I was oblivious. And I was quite comfortable being so.
The abuse only took place behind closed doors, which made it harder to recognise it. Around friends and family, he was the charming man that I fell in love with from the start. But as soon as we got home, I didn’t recognise him. He got angry, vicious and hot-tempered which automatically made me think that it was something wrong with me. As soon as we were alone, he switched. So naturally, I thought that it was me who made him feel like that. I couldn’t find any other explanation for it, and I ended up spending years analysing and trying to improve myself to match his mood.
After two years together, I was on the verge of a burn-out. I was tired, stressed and constantly anxious about his next step. I couldn’t eat, work or sleep - I was too consumed with trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hated myself because I wasn’t good enough for him. I neglected every single part of myself to make him happy, which was pretty much an impossible mission. He thrived off my misery and he was fully aware that he had me wrapped around his finger.
One week, he was away on a business trip. Out of the blue, an old friend called me asking if I wanted to join her for a pottery class in the evening. I was thrilled - this was something we used to do all the time before my relationship, and since my abuser wasn’t home I seized the opportunity and I came with her. That night, it was like something just clicked for me. As soon as I entered the classroom, it was like I instantly connected to my true self. I was so deeply focused on my task and doing it with my friend made me forget about all my stress, fear and anxiety. At this time, my friend didn’t even know what was going on; no one did. Little did she know, she saved my life that night.
After that evening, everything happened quite quickly. Once he got home from his business trip, I casually mentioned my evening out with my friend. In response, he became absolutely furious. He was getting loud and throwing fists as he couldn’t understand how I had the nerve to leave the house without his permission. Eventually, he took the vase that I had made in that pottery class and threw it against the wall, leaving it in a million pieces. It might sound ridiculous, but that was the last drop for me. That was like him throwing a piece of me to the wall and in that moment, I realised that I had to get out. For my old self - for the woman I truly was. I called my friend and told her everything. She dropped what she was doing to pick me up and, luckily, I haven't seen him since.
By reconnecting to something that I found so much joy and peace in before meeting my abuser, I could truly face and understand what had been going on. By just taking part in one simple activity with an old friend, I realised that I was living my life for someone else and that I truly hadn’t felt happiness in two years. Ever since I left him, I have spent a lot of time reconnecting with old friends, hobbies and places that made me who I am. It has helped me come back to myself and identify the hurt my abuser brought me, realising how our relationship and his actions deprived me of myself.
The memories from those days still haunt me today, but I am now a better and stronger person, and most importantly - I am safe and happy. I hope that my story can help other people think about their present situation; to let them know that they are not alone and help everyone recognise the different faces of domestic violence.
If you or someone around you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, you can call Refuge’s 24-Hour Helpline: nationaldahelpline.org.uk / 0808 2000 247 or 999 in an emergency.
If you want to share your story or get in touch, email us at thealingprocess.contact@gmail.com
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