What are the things we can gain from the healing process? For V, gratitude and yearning for a new and better environment is the driving force in her new life. Although rediscovering yourself after a trauma such as domestic abuse can be extremely challenging and draining, V has spent the last year only focusing on one thing - herself.
“It was the biggest battle of my life leaving my abuser - I constantly questioned myself and my experiences, wondering if life on the other side would ever be any different. I was longing for my old self, knowing deep down that the relationship was the main thing holding her back. I am living my life for her now - that young, lost woman who has always managed to see the light and beauty in everything”.
This is V’s story.
18/5/22
After three years of intense verbal and psychological abuse, I finally found my way out. I have always seen myself as a very independent, strong and brave woman - finding myself at the hands of an abuser was hard for me to accept, it made me lose respect and trust in myself and to be frank, I can still feel embarrassed talking about it. I am still trying to accept what happened and not blame myself, even though I am now four years out of it.
As I was in the relationship, I realised quite quickly that my perpetrator was abusing me. I’ve seen enough films, read enough books and talked to enough friends to know what abuse means and might look like. But for some reason, I took it upon myself to change him. I wanted to bring out the good in him, cause I could see it. I wanted to educate him, teach him and help him become the man I believed he could be - God knows it was all in vain. And even though I refused to see myself as manipulated and controlled, I truly was. I gave up friendships, jobs, social life, hobbies and goals to make our relationship work. And although I thought that I was the one changing him, he was the one changing me.
With the help of friends and family, I managed to leave. It took them a great deal to finally convince me that this wasn’t a healthy, ‘normal’ relationship and I could finally admit to myself that the relationship, and my abuser, made me fatigued, tired and drained. I was only 24 at the time. This is not how I wanted to live my life. I tried to remind myself of who I was before him; my dreams, ambitions, joys and comforts.
It took me a few months of freedom until I could start to recognise the damage the relationship and my abuser had caused me. I found myself constantly putting myself down, silencing myself, hesitating to reach out to friends and family thinking that they didn’t want to hear from me. Although I was now single and in full control of myself and my own life, I realised that I was so used to living in isolation that I still found it hard to socialise and maintain relationships. The number of habits and old patterns that I had to break down are too many to count, and I am still learning about them, and myself, every single day.
In my own process of healing, I have taken a lot of help from mental health professionals, self-help books and community groups. By talking to people that have had the same experience, I found it easier to open up to friends and family about what I had been through and it helped me understand and communicate my needs to others. By allowing myself to speak freely about my experiences, I feel seen, heard and valued for the first time in years.
I found so much joy in getting to know myself again. Those dreams, ambitions, joys and comforts started to come back to me and I was so excited to explore my own happiness. I made it a big priority to spend time with myself and a big part of my trauma recovery has been to try new hobbies and activities. It has been a great way for me to discover what I enjoy doing as well as meet new people who are completely unrelated to the hardships I have been through. As I am learning about myself and what I truly enjoy doing, I am also learning more about my needs and boundaries - something that I truly neglected, not just with my abuser, but in all my relationships.
I was given the gift to start over. I don’t wish this life experience upon anyone, nor the hurt that comes with it. But I can’t change the past and the only fair thing for me to do moving forward is to honour myself and the fight that I got myself through. The people who helped me leave deserve the best version of me - and so do I.
If you or someone around you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, you can call Refuge’s 24 Hour Helpline: nationaldahelpline.org.uk / 0808 2000 247 or 999 in an emergency.
If you want to share your story or get in touch, email us at thealingprocess.contact@gmail.com
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