S [24]

In our conversation with S, we talked about the process of understanding, grasping, and facing the situation you are in. To be able to stay true to your story when others are doubting it can be detrimental when leaving your abuser, making it even more important to surround yourself with people who you can find the courage to trust in.

“Forgiving myself is still one of the hardest parts of it all. Sometimes, I go back to all my notes and diary entries from that time to remind me, once again, of what happened. I feel like I betrayed my family, friends, and more than anything myself, for staying with him for so long. I’m struggling to not blame myself for the pain he put me through but I’m learning that I didn’t deserve any of it - this wasn’t my fault.”

This is S’ story.

2/4/22

We met when I had just turned 19. We had a lot of mutual friends and were hanging out in a very close-knitted circle, and before I could even really grasp what was going on I had pretty much moved into his flat, introducing him to friends and family as my boyfriend and was spending all my time with him. It was an intense start to a very intense relationship and he told me that he loved me after the first month of being together.

At the time, I would have never considered his actions or our relationship abusive. I thought that his anger, temper and nasty words were just a result of stress, annoying colleagues, bad friends and bad days - it turned out that every day was a bad day for him.

Looking back at it now, it scares me to see how the manipulation and gaslighting took place from day one. I have always considered myself a dedicated partner who, for the good and the bad, puts a lot of time and effort into my romantic relationships. He analysed me pretty quickly, knowing what buttons to push and what lines to use. He would often use his “bad days” as an excuse to isolate me from my friends, lashing out at me for no reason, calling me names and blaming me for whatever it was that was bothering him. It reached a point where everything was my fault and I spent the majority of my days feeling guilty, stressed and anxious about the misery I had already caused or was about to cause him. Despite this, he still claimed that I was the only one who made him feel better. That I was the one person that could hear him out and comfort him, that I was the only thing that made him get through these bad days. In my anxiety and confusion, I desperately clung to his words and made it my mission to be exactly that person for him - willing to change all of myself and my behaviour if needed.

We moved in together just a few months into our relationship and that was when I could start to understand and see that something was slightly off. Most of our housing responsibilities were put on me and he often used tasks around the house as punishment or threats against me, again manipulating me into thinking that a dirty room, lack of food and unorganised cupboards were all my fault.

After the first year, his verbal abuse started to become more personal and threatening. He took all the chances he got to criticise me, my personality, my looks and my behaviour - even my choice of work and university. I felt useless, constantly. I spent most of my time thinking of how I could improve, be more productive and change so he would stop criticising me and just love me - which he still claimed that he did. I felt incarcerated, now being almost completely cut off from friends and family and only spending time with him or his people of choice. He had a way of breaking me down and then building me up again that made it so hard for me to see what was going on. After calling me names or criticising me to my breaking point, he would shower me with love and words of praise leaving me feeling confused - as well as feeling like it was all worth it.

I hid my thoughts and feelings about our relationship from other people and myself for almost four years. I was so deep into believing that it was all my fault - that I was a bad girlfriend, that I was dumb, stupid, ugly, annoying and flawed that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about what was going on. His verbal abuse was pretty much the foundation of our whole relationship, and I can’t remember a single day spent with him where he didn’t drag me down.

It was when the verbal abuse turned into threats and more physical actions that I started to confront myself about what was going on. I was still too embarrassed and scared to talk to friends and family, feeling like it would say more about my character than his to admit that I was in a toxic relationship. I found a lot of support and knowledge on social media as well as in books and podcasts, starting to learn about narcissism, abusive relationships and what they might look like. Although I would have never thought about the relationship being abusive then, I started to reconnect with myself and understand that this was not at all what I wanted from a relationship. I realised that I had completely lost my sense of self, and that scared me.

As the last year of our relationship unfolded, I started to build myself a library of research and facts to keep myself afloat. I started to note down all the bad things he did to me so that in moments of doubt, I could remind myself of who he was. Starting to realise how badly his behaviour was and how it affected me, felt like hell on earth. I felt constantly angry, scared, anxious and numb when I was around him. I was thrown between wanting to forgive him, trying to solve it and move on, to be utterly disgusted and infuriated by what he was doing to me. As I started to grow colder, his punishments followed suit. All I can remember from our last months together are threats, starving, sleeplessness, neglect and fear - all caused by him.

When I started airing my thoughts with friends and family, I started to build up the courage to leave him. Although I still couldn’t grasp the entirety of the situation, still not being able to understand how dangerous it was for me, it was enough for the people around me to help me get out of it. The whole process of leaving him was long, draining, scary and all in all, very messy. But I made it out. And the day when I could fully cut all the ties, was like taking a breath for the first time in five years.

Although I was lucky enough to have a great experience with law enforcement, therapists and support groups, I would not have made it through this process without family and friends. Nothing is more healing to me than talking about my experiences, grief and joys. I have allowed myself to take up the space I deserve and re-learning about myself and what I love and care about has been amazing. I am still trying to find forgiveness and acceptance in everything that has happened, as the self-blame is still incredibly rooted in me. But at the end of the day, I know that I made the right decision in leaving - and I did it for myself.

In a way, I am grateful for the journey this has taken me on. Although I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy, I have learned, and am still learning, so much about myself and what I want from life. There is still a lot of pain and sorrow inside of me, but with every conversation and meeting, I learn and continue to grow. It has caused me a lot of pain, confusion and trust issues - but I know that the one person I can always trust is myself.

There are so many layers to a healing process - but I know that I am fully equipped to face every single one of them.

If you or someone around you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, you can call Refuge’s 24 Hour Helpline: nationaldahelpline.org.uk / 0808 2000 247 or 999 in an emergency.

If you want to share your story or get in touch, email us at thealingprocess.contact@gmail.com